VIOLENCE AS THE ANOTHER SIDE OF LOVE

НАСИЛИЕ КАК ОБРАТНАЯ СТОРОНА ЛЮБВИ

Дмитриева Ольга Сергеевна

студент магистратуры, Цифровая культура и медийное производство,  Тюменский Государственный Университет,

РФ, г. Тюмень

Жюли Реше,

некропсихотерапевт, PhD, профессор, Тюменский Государственный Университет,

РФ, г. Тюмень

ABSTRACT

The purpose of the study is to reveal the concept of violence, to determine its origins and place in human relationships, and why love is conditioned by people's dependence on each other, violence and the desire to subjugate, depend and possess. The author analyzes the basic concepts of love, violence and trauma, examines the origins of each of the concepts and defines their relationship and influence on each other. The scientific novelty of the work lies in the interdisciplinary examination of the issue with the involvement of the works of Western philosophers and sociologists such as Slavoj Zizek, Matthew Lieberman and the necropsychotherapist Julie Reshe. As a result of the work, it was revealed that intimacy manifests itself as defenselessness in front of another and, accordingly, openness to traumatization, as well as the possibility of close relationships without traumatizing each other. There is no other way to know that we love another, except to experience his painful lack and become hypersensitive to his attitude - that is, taking everything too close to our hearts. Love is impossible without social pain. The need for others is characteristic of us not only in childhood, but throughout our lives. However, true love is one where each person consciously chooses to live his childhood craving for attachment. These are the relationships that are least traumatic.

АННОТАЦИЯ

Цель исследования — раскрытие понятия насилия, определение его истоков и места во взаимоотношении людей, и почему любовь обусловлена зависимостью людей друг от друга, насилием и желанием подчинить, зависеть и обладать. Автором проанализированы основные понятия любви, насилия и травмы, рассмотрены истоки каждого из понятий и определена их связь и влияние друг на друга. Научная новизна работы состоит в междисциплинароном рассмотрении вопроса с привлечением трудов западных философов и социологов как Славой Жижек, Мэттью Либерман и некропсихотерапевта Жюли Реше. В результате работы выявлено, что близость проявляется как беззащитность перед другим и, соответственно, открытость для травматизации, а также возможность близких отношений без травматизации друг друга.  Не существует иного способа узнать, что мы любим другого, кроме как испытать его болезненную нехватку и стать гиперчувствительным к его отношению — то есть принимать все слишком близко к сердцу. Любовь невозможна без социальной боли. Потребность в других свойственна нам не только в детстве, но и на протяжении всей жизни. Однако, настоящая любовь та, где каждый человек сознательно выбирает себе проживание своей детской тяги к привязанности. Именно такие отношения наименее травматичны.

Keywords: violence; attachment; love; relations; addiction.

Ключевые слова: насилие; привязанность; любовь; отношения; зависимость.

People tend to confuse love with violence and control. It turns out that love is often caused by the dependence of people on each other, violence, and the desire to subjugate, depend, and possess.

Today we are used to associate violence with crimes and terrorist attacks. In his book «Violence», the philosopher Slavoj Zizek defines violence as not a direct characteristic of certain actions; Zizek considers violence as distributed between actions and their context, between activity and inaction [1, p. 10]. He claims that violence is often hidden, which makes it a «perpetual motion machine», a source of various forms of visible violence. Zizek distinguishes violence on «symbolic» level which is embodied in language and forms, and on the «systemic one which is produced by our economic and political systems».

As Tolstoy once noted, to commit violence means «to do what the one over whom the violence is committed doesn’t want». Obviously, this formula of non-violence is the exact opposite of the formula of love. As for love, it is an excellent description by Neil Gaiman, the author of the comic book about the Sandman: «It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest, your heart, and means that someone can penetrate you and ruin everything. ... Love takes hostages... She devours you and leaves you to cry in the dark; a simple phrase like “maybe we should just be friends” turns into a piece of glass that rips your heart apart. She hurts. This is a spiritual wound, a real pain tearing you apart from the inside».

Violence can be different: psychological, emotional, physical. But how can it be abandoned if struggle and aggression are part of our life?

Let us start from the very beginning, from the birth of a person. Matthew Lieberman, professor and head of the Laboratory of Social Cognitive Neurobiology, University of California (UCLA), in his book «Social View: Why We Need Each Other», through scientific research, proved that sociality is a basic human need and demonstrated neurobiological evidence of social brain theory. According to Lieberman, «from birth, people need to be connected with other people, they experience social pain as much as physical pain» [4, p. 12].

Nevertheless, growing up, we gain a certain level of independence and isolation from others, which cannot but be a painless process. The need for others is inherent to us, not only in childhood but throughout life. The philosopher and necropsychotherapist Julie Reshe, in her article «Intimacy as a trauma», writes: «Not only close relationships, but even any fruitful dialogue can be considered dominant relationships, because each of its participants substantiates its position, trying to impose his interlocutor in this way. If the interlocutor is open to dialogue, they can listen to the arguments of another and change their position, thus becoming a victim of domination».

Thus, any proximity implies a person’s openness to traumatization, which means openness to control and dominate oneself. In my opinion, intimate relationship is a conducive space for any kind of violence, not only physical but also psychological, including systematic manipulation, and humiliation of another person with the goal of total a control over the partner. The person who is prone to intentional inflicting of pain on others initially needs a feeling of power, and each successful action that brings him this feeling only increases his desire for unlimited control over the victim [Medium. URL: https://www.wonderzine.com/wonderzine/health/wellness/241105-abuse-and-health ].

Speaking about the connection between violence and love, requently people are accustomed to meaning physical violence against women and children, portraying  man as an abuser and women and children as victims. But, according to the report «Family, domestic and sexual violence in Australia, 2018», for example, in Australia, every sixth girl and every sixteen man were victims of physical violence from a partner. One in four and one in six were victims of emotional abuse. One in six girls was a victim of emotional abuser under the age of 15 years. One in six woman was a victim of persecution. Abuse is the cause of the loss of 72 thousand women, 34 thousand children, and 9 thousand men at home. These statistics clearly show that violence should not be associated with a person’s gender or age; this is what people of any gender and age suffer from.

Any physical abuse has a prerequisite and often begins with a psychological one. According to the article «Design Construct», there is a number of signs that reveal a person who is prone to emotional abuse. As a rule, abusers are prone to increased control, jealousy, aggression, misogony or misandria , such people lack respect for a partner or interlocutor. Control can be manifested in passing remarks made about appearance, behaviour, lifestyle, social circle or views. In this article is still highlighted such an obvious symptom as «the existence in the partner’s worldview of a clear system of double standards, implying different rules of conduct for different sexes, most often expressed in all sorts of a woman must and man must, indicates that in his mind there is a “legitimate” justification for the cruelty applicable to you. Such a person perceives his own aggression as an integral part of his gender role, and from his partner, respectively, expects acceptance and submission». Disrespect is the foundation of any violence, both emotional and physical. At the initial stages of a relationship, it can be expressed in relation to your opinion, your views, and values. Rudeness, scoffing, sarcasm, and inattention are the first signs of a partner or interlocutor’s lack of respect.

Speaking about the causes of violence, Lieberman notes: «Love is impossible without social pain. There is no other way to know that we love another than to experience his painful lack and become hypersensitive to his attitude — that is, take everything too close to heart». Perhaps this is precisely the social pain that is one of the causes of violence. Feeling pain and lack of the object of love and desire, a person surrenders to unconscious impulses and the desire to possess another person and control his life, thus becoming a part of this life. And as a rule, we ourselves consciously let this person into our lives, drawing closer and expanding the boundaries in communication. Evdokia Tsvetkova, claims that violence can be «infected» — «people reproduce in their families the abuse, discrimination, and bullying patterns that they observed. Like diseases, violence has risk factors such as poverty and low levels of education» [8]

In her article, Julie Reshe writes: «Another prescription of positive psychology is associated with the prescription to avoid dominant relationships — to avoid any traumatic situations, including relationships that involve trauma. However, are close relationships possible whose participants do not injure each other?» The answer to this question can be partially found in a quote from Slavoj Zizek: «My duty to be tolerant of another really means that I should not get too close to him, intrude into his space. In other words, I must respect his intolerance of my excessive intimacy».

References:

1. Australian Institute of Health and Welfare. Family, domestic and sexual violence in Australia, 2018. URL: https://www.aihw.gov.au/reports/domestic-violence/family-domestic-sexual-violence-in-australia-2018/contents/summary (accessed: 28.05.2020)
2. Evdokia Tsvetkova. The Abuse epidemic: how violence affects health. URL: https://www.wonderzine.com/wonderzine/health/wellness/241105-abuse-and-health (accessed: 28.05.2020)
3. Constructive Project. Abusive Relations: Computing a Tyrant. URL: https: // www.medium.com/ @ konstruktiv.io (accessed: 28.05.2020)
4. Lieberman, Matthew. Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect. Moscow: Mann, Ivanov, Ferber, 2020, 352 p.
5. Reshe, Julie. BDSM Therapy. URL: https://medium.com/@juliereshe/bdsm-therapy-7a667cc9927c (accessed: 09.05.2020)
6. Reshe, Julie. Intimacy as a trauma. URL: https://medium.com/@juliereshe/julie-reshe-intimacy-as-trauma-3b4c92518bd5 (accessed: 09.05.2020)
7. Zizek, Slavoj. Violence: Six Sideways Reflections. Moscow: Europe, 2010, 320 p.
8. Medium. URL: https://www.wonderzine.com/wonderzine/health/wellness/241105-abuse-and-health.